


dark light

by blackbluesock



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and its a mess, im sorry this is a right mess, its also full of memes and ironic stuff, rated M for mentions of sex, this is my first fic for this fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 15:26:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11338230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackbluesock/pseuds/blackbluesock
Summary: words can have a great impact on a person. just how great? daehyun doesn't know, and he's about to find out.





	dark light

**Author's Note:**

> this is a right mess im sorry  
> also yes title is taken from daehyun's song

„Fine! If you're going to act that childish, then you might as well just leave! Go to Jaebum's place or wherever, I don't care! And don't even think about coming back! “

Daehyun belatedly realises what he said, but it's too late; Youngjae is already packing a bag with some of his clothes, his toothbrush, his sketchbook and some pencils.

„Whatever,“ Youngjae grits through his teeth. He can't decide whether he's angry at Daehyun for even suggesting there was something between him and Jaebum, or for yelling at him and basically telling him to get lost. Eventually, he decides he doesn't care; he was going to crash somewhere for tonight. The argument he had with Daehyun escalated beyond childish, mostly because the older refused to accept the fact that nothing ever happened between Youngjae and Jaebum, especially after seeing Celebrity Bromance on TV.

Youngjae grabs a little yellow snake before any of the members have the chance to see him. He knows it's ironic, really: grabbing a snake Daehyun got him during One Shot promotions, when he's about to leave the dorm because of Daehyun. But he also knows he won't sleep next to Daehyun tonight, so he figures something that reminds him of Daehyun is a good enough substitute.

Having taken his keys, Youngjae exits the dorm and sends a quick message to Jaebum, saying he'll crash at his place tonight.

* * *

 

Daehyun sits on their bed, analysing the whole situation. Jongup is sitting beside him, not knowing how to help. Junhong is in the other room, trying to calm down before he breaks one of Daehyun’s limbs. Daehyun eventually lies down, traces of tears marking his face.

„Was I being overprotective of him?” he wonders aloud. He also jumps a feet in the air when he gets a response.

“No, you were simply jealous. But you should apologize to him once he’s back. Let him cool down for now.” Jongup answers before Himchan ushers him out of the room to give Daehyun some space. Daehyun falls asleep a few hours later, after his brain almost melts because of overthinking.

 

 

He wakes up too late for his usual routine. It’s not until Yongguk enters the dorm that he notices something is off; the maknaes have been too quiet the whole morning, almost like they’re…mourning someone? Daehyun shakes off the thought as irrational, they don’t have any mutual friends they could be mourning, and all of his bandmates are safe. Still, there’s something about Yongguk’s vibe that makes him reconsider that thought. Yongguk gives Himchan one look and in a matter of seconds all three of them are out of the room. Belatedly, Daehyun notices the tension that has built up in a matter of seconds since Yongguk entered the dorm.

“Sit down, Daehyun.” Yongguk ushers him, and there’s something in his tone of voice that makes Daehyun reconsider everything he’s ever said. “What happened yesterday between you and Youngjae?”

Daehyun could swear all the blood drained from his face at that very moment. Still, he stays calm and collected, and relays yesterday’s events to Yongguk. Yongguk’s face darkens at every upcoming sentence, until he hears what Daehyun last said to Youngjae.

Yongguk rages.

Well, almost rages. “I think I have every right to be mad at you right now. Don’t even think about coming back? Seriously, Daehyun? In the future please be more considerate of what you’re saying, because last night, your words cost you a life.”

Daehyun is confused. He is unaware of what Yongguk is saying, until Yongguk basically spells it out for him, letter by letter.

“Youngjae is dead, Daehyun.”

Daehyun breaks down, pleading to every single god to bring his Youngjae back. He doesn’t even ask what happened; all he knows is that he blames himself for his death. He wishes he could have Youngjae by him right now, even if it meant overcoming his pride and apologizing first. Though, he thinks, I should have ran after him yesterday. Whatever happened, at least we’d still be together.

He doesn’t notice how the big green clock he got for his birthday is missing, nor does he notice how Yongguk just disappeared into thin air. The tears are streaming down his cheeks, and all he wants right now is to still be with Youngjae – dead or alive, it doesn’t matter.

He replays all of their firsts in his head.

_The confession. It happened when they were up late, practicing. Other members were in the dorm already, sleeping or preparing for sleep. Daehyun and Youngjae stayed in the studio because Daehyun couldn’t figure out some of the parts of the choreo.  Eventually, they collapsed on the floor, Youngjae claiming there’s still two weeks left until the promotions. Daehyun remembers the faint white light illuminating Youngjae’s features, and him blurting out, “I like you. Like, a lot.” Youngjae was confused for a moment, before it dawned on him. “Oh, I like you a lot too,” Youngjae smiled, before continuing, “Come on, I’m tired and I want to sleep.”_

_Their first kiss. They were in a hotel room on their world tour, having just arrived in San Francisco. Daehyun plopped on bed in such undignified manner Youngjae scolded him. “Seriously, Daehyun, have some manners!” There was something about Youngjae in that exact moment that made the older leap up from the bed and kiss him. Needless to say, Youngjae was surprised, but when Daehyun leaned back and out from the kiss, Youngjae lurched forward and caught him in another kiss. That night was also the first night they slept next to each other, agreeing silently when they get back to the dorm to put their beds together._

_Their first time. It was totally unplanned if you ask Daehyun; Youngjae was claiming to be sick while the rest of the members had a dance practice to attend. Himchan suggested someone stay with him, and Daehyun immediately corrected “someone” to “Daehyun”. As soon as the members left the dorm, Youngjae leapt up from the bed and straddled Daehyun, who was sitting on the armchair in the room. The latter let out a strangled sound and switched their positions; however, he quickly learned that Youngjae liked to be in control.  Needless to say, their first time was remarkable, and left them both too tired to go to practice the next day, but not as tired so they couldn’t have a repeat of the previous day._

_That time was also the time they tried to cook dinner for the rest of the members, but instead ended up christening the kitchen and hurriedly cleaning it before the members came back. The maknae line was raging because of lack of a decent meal (“Seriously, hyung, how can you call instant ramen ‘a decent meal’?” Junhong had asked) while Himchan and Yongguk were silently communicating. Daehyun and Youngjae would later learn they discovered their little secret, but at the time couldn’t comprehend why both of them didn’t want to enter the kitchen until Junhong got fed up and went on a cleaning spree._

_The time they came out to the rest of the band. Yongguk yelling “I knew it! Now hand over the money,” while extending a hand towards Himchan got Youngjae yelling and throwing whatever soft objects he could find towards those two. Daehyun, however, got into a conversation with Junhong, and found out the latter has had a crush on Youngjae for a long time. He promised to guard him with his life, because he knew it’s the least he could do for the maknae._

_The time they were forced to come out to the filming crew, or mostly, the person assigned to film them sleeping in Hawaii. Youngjae made the arrangement with the woman that she would film them only in the evening when they were in their respective beds, and had to give them a warning first before filming in the early morning. They were mad they didn’t get a room with a double bed, because that way one of them could pretend to be clingy. Instead, of course they had to get a two-bed room. Daehyun remembers clearly for how long he had to hold Youngjae so the younger wouldn’t have a breakdown, and the deal they made between themselves and, later, the woman. There was one incident though, where she forgot to give them a warning before filming, but they managed to pass it off as Daehyun moonwalking._

_Their first fight. It was a petty thing, really, Daehyun was riled up because Youngjae ate all of his pickles, and Youngjae burst out and left the dorm. Daehyun went on the balcony to light up a cigarette, before Jongup came along, took it from his mouth and threw behind his back. Daehyun supposed he should be grateful to Jongup, but instead he broke down crying, thinking their relationship is over. Three hours later, when Youngjae returned and was considerably calmer and ready to discuss some things with Daehyun, the older was still crying. Well, sobbing. He didn’t want to talk to Youngjae, so the latter sent in Junhong, to whom Daehyun admitted he thought Youngjae hates him because he burst out over a minor thing. Upon hearing that, Youngjae burst into room and hugged Daehyun so hard he almost suffocated. “I do not want to hear you say that ever again,” he had said. “I want us to discuss things instead of fighting. I don’t ever want to repeat what happened today.”_

It happened, though.

Daehyun can barely remember why they fought; he knows it was about that show Youngjae starred in along with his friend Jaebum. He knows he was jealous because the show tended to demand skinship. He knows at one point he stormed out of the living room, unable to watch it any longer.

He remembers Youngjae coming behind him, yelling “It wasn’t like that at all! You know we’re best friends and you also know he’s goddamn straight! I have no idea what you’re playing at, but I don’t like it one bit!”

As the night progressed, they seemed to just find more and more reasons to fight, and at one point it also started to include their sex life, to which everyone left the room; Jongup and Junhong went to the arcade, and Himchan called Yongguk to inform him of the situation. The leader would surely know what to do, right?

Turns out, not quite. Yongguk barely managed to give a heads-up to Jaebum, whom he knew Youngjae was close with, what happened, and asking to host Youngjae for the night, before storming out of his own apartment to wait for Youngjae. Call it intuition or something, but he didn’t want B.A.P to become five.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened.

Yongguk knew he should keep a safe distance from Youngjae, but he disregarded that for a moment. Youngjae was standing on a crossroads, waiting for the cars to stop and for the light to turn green, all the while muttering various insults about Daehyun. Eventually, the light turned green, but the cars did not stop. Youngjae went forward. Yongguk paid no attention for a moment, until he heard a sickening crunch and a weakened yell, “Dae – “ coming from Youngjae’s mouth. He could only lift his head and watch how someone dials 119, while someone else is covering his fellow member’s body with a coat. He stood almost rooted to the place until the Ambulance came and declared him dead on the spot.

Dead.

That’s all that went through Yongguk’s head the whole night; when he went to a convenience store to buy wine for Himchan, soju for himself and beer for the maknaes; when he crossed another road, thinking about how it could have been him; when he entered the arcade, thinking how it could have been neither if Daehyun didn’t start the fight; when the three of them entered the dorm, thinking how they’re going to relay the news to the rest of the world. B.A.P will never be the same. There will be no more of the laugh that could turn the sourest mood into good. None of them will ever be the same after this. Yongguk briefly wonders if they should disband, but shakes the thought off for now. After all, as a leader, he first has to relay the news to his band members.

* * *

 

Himchan hears the creak of the door. He hears three pairs of shoes being dumped on the floor. He briefly wonders if they found Youngjae and brought him home, but all hope of that drains from him when he sees Yongguk, as pale as a ghost. He immediately takes the bag from his hands, seats him and offers him a glass of water.

He notices something is wrong and contemplates waking up Daehyun. When he makes a move to go towards the bedroom, Yongguk lets out a choked sound that makes Himchan pause in his tracks and return to the kitchen. Yongguk motions to the bag and Himchan distributes its content among them. The boys crack open the cold beers, Yongguk takes a swig of soju and before Himchan even manages to uncork the wine, Yongguk blurts out, “Youngjae is dead.”

Everyone freezes. Himchan slowly turns around and says, “Bbang, I hope this is some kind of a joke.”

“I wish. A car hit him not far from here. He was dead on the spot.”

Junhong chokes on his beer. Jongup manages to get him out of the chair and on the couch in the living room, from where both of them can be heard crying. It’s no secret by now that Junhong has, or rather, had, a crush on Youngjae ever since debut. All of them knew it, except Youngjae.

Himchan lurches forward and takes Yongguk in his arms before the older breaks down, reassuring him the whole time that it wasn’t his fault and he couldn’t have done anything about it anyway, but he eventually breaks down too.

He can’t yet process the fact that Youngjae is gone.

He hopes the younger will return in the morning, having rested and back to his usual, bickering self. However gross Himchan claims it to be, he hopes to see Youngjae kissing Daehyun good morning. He hopes to see them on a couch, huddled up next to each other, just enjoying the warmth that the other radiates. But, Youngjae is gone. The fact finds its place in Himchan's mind like it has always been there, and there's really not much he can do right now. He could cry, but that wouldn't bring Youngjae back.

Yongguk eventually frees himself from Himchan’s grip and says he’s going for a walk. He needs to find a way to break the news to Daehyun, after all. Himchan kisses him on the forehead and lets him go, but not before giving him a pack of the cigarettes they keep around to calm down.

* * *

Yongguk wanders the city until dawn.

It’s not until early morning that he comes to Jaebum’s house to see how Youngjae is doing after yesterday’s fight and to collect the younger.

Youngjae greets him with a warm smile that suggests he isn’t mad anymore, and when Yongguk says he’s here to pick him up and get him back to the dorm, the younger’s expression stays the same. He picks up his bag, hugs Jaebum and promises to come by more often. As soon as Jaebum closes the door, Yongguk hugs Youngjae.

“I was worried about you. I didn’t sleep all night. After Himchan called me to tell me to inform Jaebum of your arrival, I went back to the dorm to spend some time with Himchan and the kids, because God knows I’ve been busy these days, but when I got there I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. That’s why I wandered the city since, like, midnight.”

Youngjae is silently crying. “Hyung, I had a bad dream. I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t go back to sleep ever since. Thank God Jaebum was there, or I would have probably cried all night. Thank you for coming. Let’s go back to the dorm.”

* * *

 

The first thing Youngjae notices upon entering the dorm are loud whimpers, which he immediately recognizes as Daehyun’s. He sprints towards their bedroom, opens the door and is greeted with a sweaty Daehyun who’s, apparently, having a bad dream. _So much about synchronization_ , Youngjae thinks. He sits next to Daehyun on the bed and slowly tries to wake him up.

At first, Daehyun won’t move; instead, he starts talking in his sleep. Youngjae can’t understand much, but he hears words “Youngjae” and “dead” pretty clearly. He shakes Daehyun so the older would wake up. Of course, that results in nothing except maybe quieter Daehyun.

Youngjae tries a different approach. He strips himself of his clothes and lies next to Daehyun and proceeds to pet his head until the older wakes up. Eventually, after a few minutes, Daehyun slowly wakes up.

* * *

Daehyun is confused. He’s sleeping on his side of the bed, and Youngjae is dead, so why does it smell like Youngjae? As he awakens, he can feel someone holding him and petting his head. As much as he doesn’t like it, he opens his eyes and promptly gapes at Youngjae.

Youngjae watches him in amusement. “What? Do I have something on my face?” he asks.

Daehyun is still gaping at him, before he extends a hand and lightly bops Youngjae’s nose. “You’re alive,” he whispers.

“Of course I’m alive, what kinda question is that?” Youngjae asks him, clearly confused.

Daehyun doesn’t bother to correct him and say it was a statement; instead, he whispers, “I had a bad dream. A terrible dream. A nightmare. I dreamed that- that you-“ he chokes up, unable to continue.

“That I what?” Youngjae asks. “That I was dead?”

Daehyun starts crying. “Don’t leave me again.” He chokes out, tightening his grip on Youngjae.

“I wasn’t planning to. Never.” Youngjae answers, on the verge of tears.

They fall asleep together, holding onto each other as if they are afraid the other might disappear somehow, and that’s how Himchan finds them when he announces that lunch is ready. He leaves them be, though, and instead throws himself over Jongup, claiming he’s cold, and carefully observes sleeping Junhong who is wrapped around Yongguk. He doesn’t miss the way Yongguk’s left hand is holding Junhong close to him, nor does he miss the was Junhong’s face is buried in Yongguk’s neck. He also doesn’t miss the faint smile that is present on Yongguk’s face, and when he pokes him lightly and motions towards sleeping Junhong, Yongguk promptly blushes and stutters. Himchan smiles and thinks to himself, “Seems like someone else will be announcing a relationship soon.”

 

 


End file.
